Who knows
by Lorien Lupin
Summary: Fic about the first real love of Remus Lupin, and the biggest. From Remus POV, from Hogwarts to the first Order of the Phoenix. Bad summary, good fic.


_**Disclaimer:** The characters in this story are not mine, they belong to Rowling. I don't make any money with them, so don't sue me, ok? Brigitte is mine, but she produce me no money either._

_**Author's Note:** This is the N time that I check this for grammar and spell mistakes, and I'm finally happy with it… at least I think I am. Well, enjoy and review._

_**Lorien Lupin. **_

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

"**Who knows?"**

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

Until we were a little more than sixteen years old, we were kind of lady's men the four of us. It is difficult not to be one, when 80 of the female students of the school are in love with you, and that's was happened with us. James, Sirius and I were the most popular boys in the school, and Peter? Well, Peter; he did what he could, but if any of us were around he did not had a chance.

As I was saying, we were kind of lady's men until halfway of the sixth year of school. At the beginning of that year James had put his eyes on one of our classmates from Gryffindor. We knew her since the first year, but we never approached her as a friend or anything else. Well, that year James noticed that the girl was not bad to look at, and he wanted to incorporate her into his collection. He couldn't, Lily was a judicious girl and she didn't seem to have any interest in being a part of the James Potter's Fan club, so she rejected his invitations over and over again.

I must say that she was clever, she did not date him but did not refuse to be his friend either, she forced James to begin a friendship with a woman before anything romantic really happened, and before he noticed anything, he had fallen in love with her.

What more can I say, the day he ask her to be his girlfriend was a very sad day for all Hogwarts's girls, some of them were even crying in the hallways. Now that I think about it that was a great day for Sirius and me, I believe that even Peter "comforted" some of the girls who cried the lost of James's bachelor life.

Unlike many people believed, based on the previous lack of fidelity of my friend; their relationship became very serious. We also have our doubts; don't blame us, we knew the boy and he was not of the monogamous type. That was until we noticed that his little blue book was gone, that day Sirius and I knew that we would never have James in the single's list again, that we have lost him forever.

You are provably wondering, what the heck have to do a little blue book with everything I just said. The answer is this one; the three of us handled two different kinds of agendas, one for our friends with the names of their homes if they were from wizard families, or their address and telephone numbers if they were from muggle families. And another one in which we had our girl "friends" also with directions and telephone numbers or the names of their homes according to the case, James's second little book was blue coloured.

As I was saying, his blue agenda had disappear, James have had many girlfriends and he had even fallen in love with some of them. Even so, he never had throw away that book. I believe that he always thought he could need it in the future; but that book was gone. James had found "the one" that girl he think will be his life partner and for that reason he had thrown away his blue book, because he would not need it anymore.

That day we knew that with Lily, our beloved Prongs would tie the knot.

But like everything has his good side, Sirius and I had more girls to choose and we became the predators of the remain innocence in the female student body.

But I haven't always being this way with girls. I must say that until my third year in Hogwarts I was a little scared by the female attention. I was very shy and some were quite daring, but little by little I lost all that shyness and by the fourth year it was not much left of my initial timidity. James and Sirius were never shy, and Sirius less than anybody, he never knew what it was to be embarrassed in front of a girl; James, well I saw him blush a few times in the first couple years of school, but nothing else.

As I was saying, by halfway of the sixth year James had left the bachelor's team and we had no probability of recovering him. Was in that moment that she appeared in my life, the most wonderful girl that I'd ever known. She was very beautiful, with an incredible body and a glance that made me lose control over myself. Her name was Brigitte Beauséant; she had been transferred from Beauxbatons a couple of years ago and was selected to Ravenclaw, and although I found her very attractive, I did not saw her much after that. And as I didn't have the opportunity to establish a relation of any type with her, it soon was indifferent to me to see her or not in the hallways or classes; but that was until the day of that dance.

That day the four of us were with our dates in a big table located in a remote side of the hall, I had gone with a girl who never spoke to me again after that day.

Half an hour after our arrival, and while I was dancing with... what was the name of the poor girl? Well, I don't remember. While I was dancing with my date, she entered the great hall, holding the arm of the Ravenclaw's keeper. They went to the table that his friends occupied, and after saluting everyone, left their things there and went to dance.

In that moment I lost all ability to think. She was not only the most beautiful girl of the entire place, she was also the most sexy girl that I seen in my life, especially when she danced.

In some moment of that night her date went for butterbeers and she didn't return to her table. She stayed looking through the window in which he had left her. I cannot remember if my date had already left me, or if she was still watching me upset from our table. What I can remember is that I took advantage that she was alone and went to her.

I must confess that I first fell in love with her beauty, I know that is superficial but that was what happened. I fell in love of the way she glanced, her blue eyes, her voice, her body, and the way she danced and walked, and the rest came later. Later I discovered how appealing her personality was, and how amazingly bright was her mind. But that was later; in that moment I went to her and asked her to dance with me, I only wanted to see her dance again, this time from the first row.

- I'm sorry, but my date has gone for drinks and he won't be gone that much – she said to me with a very flirtatious smile, I smiled her back.

- I only want to dance for a little while, it shouldn't to bother him that you dance with me. Or perhaps he's your boyfriend and he doesn't let you dance with other boys, if that's the case, forgive me, I will go away in this moment, and no problem.

- He is not my boyfriend and only I decide whom I dance with – she answered looking at me, and then she smiled again in the same flirtatious way – I will dance with you – she said to me, grabbing me by the hand and guiding me to the dance floor.

In that moment her date arrived to the window and whatched us go away with a confuse expression in his eyes. Perhaps my date saw us too, maybe it was in that moment that she left the party, I don't know, and my friends don't remember either. They were very busy with their respective dates, and that even so only Peter was dancing at the moment. I don't know what happened with my date, and I don't know what happened with the boy from Ravenclaw, Brigitte didn't return to his side, we just kept dancing.

She dance heavenly, but I, modesty aside, am a good dancer too and I was not left behind.

Like two hours after we begun dancing, the band slow down the rhythm. I took advantage of that moment to kiss her. I tried to make it, primarily, a sweet kiss, but I must say that the control didn't last too much for us. And as McGonagall was beginning to look at us in a very ugly way, we decided to go seat at the table (mine of course, she couldn't return with me to the table of her date).

James, Lily, Peter and Ashley (Peter's date) welcome us with a mischievous smiles, but didn't ask the reason of my switch of dates. I introduced her to them without giving any explanation.

A little later Sirius arrived to the table, he and Melanie had run away from the inquisitor glance of professor McGonagall, who looked at them with a disapproving expression (same from which we had run away).

Our table was very far away from the place where professors patrolled pretending to dance; and was partially hidden behind the scenario. So if the presence of your friends did not bother you (and believe me when I say that it didn't bother any of the eight of us that much), was an excellent place to make out without being interrupted by McGonagall or Carlyle. Carlyle was the DADA professor who at those moments patrolled the garden (even now I ask myself what he had being pretended to do).

In this way begun the relationship that will take me away from the rows of the single ones of Hogwarts. Sirius and Peter, and I must say that even myself, doubted that it could get to be something serious. James said that my life of lady's man had finished, but we used to said to him that what he wanted was that we followed his footsteps and thus he wouldn't have to envy us a better life style.

When I stopped asking out other girls by my own desire, I worried a little bit; but even so I though that it would be something transitory, that eventually I would grew tired of being with her. That did not happened, instead of that the intensity of our relation diminished. Instead of beginning to see us with less frequency, as always happened to me, I begun to be with her more and more often, and for more time. But I didn't believe in that possibility (the possibility of love, I mean) and stayed without asking her to be my girlfriend.

One day we were talking in the dining room, as the professors were present I was happy with only play with her fingers and hair, and with listen to her speak to me about her favourite classes. In that moment I knew that it was serious and I surrendered to her spell. I must have put on the same idiotic expression that James had in the first days of his relationship with Lily, but it didn't matter to me.

When we finished supper I went with her to the library and there I ask her to be my girlfriend.

- I thought that you would never ask me – she said to me before starting to kiss me as she had not kissed me until that moment.

I didn't help her with her homework as I have promised, but that didn't bother her. What can I say, I loved her mind and soul as much as she said to love mine, but our mouths were the ones that could not be separated.

Sirius used to said that we seemed like Siamese twins united by the tongue. Brigitte used to laugh and kiss me in front of him, she liked to listen to him complain about the people that didn't have self-control. She was not even a bit ashamed; on the contrary, it amused her when we really forgot that they were there and the joke kisses intensified in front of the disapproval phrases from my friends.

It didn't pass much time before our relationship became more, how can I put it, well, before it became more "serious". That wasn't my first time, to say that Briggite was the first in my life would be a really big lie from me. Just as it would be a lie if I tell that it matter to me if I was the first in her life. I don't know, she never told me, I never asked her.

We used to meet at night in abandon classrooms or in the prefect's bathroom, from which I had the password, and it wouldn't have being a big deal to me if she had one or a thousand men before me, she was mine, just mine.

Peter told me that our relationship was sex, and only that; and if that go away some day, our relationship will be over. But it wouldn't have matter to me not to be able to make love with her again or even to kiss her, it would not matter to me as long as I was still able to hold her in my arms, talk to her or just look her in the eyes. Of course I didn't tell my friends that. When any of them said something like that, I just smiled and insinuated that "somebody" was not getting much, and the conversation took other direction. I am not the kind of guy that can say easily that he has met his girlfriend in the astronomy tower or the prefect's bathroom, but we slept in the same bedroom and they always knew when I escaped at nights to go see her.

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

- I really love you – I said still holding her from the back, and with my face buried in her brown hair, she turned around to see me, with a smile of true happiness in her face.

Is weird how loving her as I did, I never had said it before that moment. I didn't say it when I asked her to be my girlfriend, nor while we made the love, not even the first time.

- Takes you long to say what you feel, don't you? – She said laying on me and still smiling – I love you too – she said next.

- You never said it to me either – I said with a smile, that has to be the stupidest in loved smile ever.

- I was waiting for you to do it, I didn't want to scared you away.

- I could never go away from you – I said giving her the sweetest and most chaste kiss than I ever gave her – my life is yours forever if you want it.

She smiled agreeing with a moved expression seconds before giving me another short kiss on the lips. The kiss intensified a little, our tongues intertwined and she begun to caress my chest tenderly. We begun to touch each other more intensely and cutting the kiss I returned her to the bed and lay on top of her again. Brigitte entangled her legs on my waist as a clear invitation, and we became one once again.

With Brigitte the non-sound spell that I always used in Hogwarts was really necessary, I loved to hear her shout my name over and over again, as if was some kind of encantation. But I liked even more, than at the moment of the climax she remain silent, with her mouth open and her eyes closed, with an expression that meant more for me than all the words of the world.

I loved that a single glance of mine could make her lose control, I loved it because I only loose control with her.

I went with her to the entrance of Ravenclaw's common room as I always did, and kissed her before returning by the shortest road to my own common room. With as much silence as I was able to keep, I crossed the empty common room, and entered the sixth year bedroom. Cheerful whispers welcomed me to the bedroom, the lights were on and my three friends were all in my bed. The three were drinking from a bottle, eating stolen food from the kitchen and playing innumerable games of poker while they talked.

- From where do our friend Moony comes at these hours? – said Sirius to me with a mischievous smile – one would think that he was already sleeping.

- Imagine our surprise when we went to wake you up and found your bed completely empty –said James with a false expression of surprise.

- What the heck are you three doing awake at this hour? – I asked smiling with amusement.

- Eating a little, playing a little, drinking a little – said Sirius raising a bottle, that I could noticed, was of Firewhisky – but don't change the topic young man, where were you until this hour?

- I was with Brigitte – I answered going to the bed and taking the bottle that Sirius was offering to me – Thank God that is Saturday and we don't have to get up early in the morning.

- What's going on Remus, did she tired you up?

- You are so idiotic, I said so because apparently this party is barely beginning – I said watching at the almost full bottle – why don't you put some music on?

- The magical radio would make too much noise – Peter said .

- Are you already drunk? Use a silencing spell – I said, taking out my magical radio from my trunk and letting James to make the spell.

- Why didn't we think of that – Sirius said, with an embarrassed gesture – this happen to us for listen to Peter's reasons for not to do anything, he's a coward.

- I am not, I'm only cautious.

- And Sirius, you have to think that that spell has to be fresh in Remus' mind, he must just have finished using it – James said, with a naughty expression on his face.

- Yes, what about it? – I said.

- Oh! Brigitte is a talkie one – Sirius said raising his eyebrows repeatedly.

I laughed and passed the bottle to Sirius, who had the radio and had just finished finding a station that put good music. We ended up talking about Lily, Brigitte and others girls with whom we had go out. I found out that James and Lily had not even took that step yet, she wanted to wait for a little while and he preferred to respect her feelings. Sirius was dating a girl who had the habit to scratch his back and Ashley had turned out to be much more sentimental than we all had believed, and Peter didn't know what he was going to do if she wanted something more serious.

I ended up telling them that Brigitte shouted a lot, and that sometimes it scared me to think that if the spell failed, she would wake up everybody in the school and I wouldn't even know it.

- Oh! You use a barrier against sound – Peter said.

- Yes, if I used the suppression of sound you wouldn't be hearing the music right now – I said with sarcasm, Peter is brilliant to let pass the most obvious things.

- So, our Moony likes to hear his name.

- Shut up, Sirius.

My relationship with Brigitte continued the rest of that year, without diminishing the affection or the attraction that we felt to each other. During the summer we see each other every time we could, although our sex life was reduced to nothing.

What could I do, invite her to my house and say to my mother: "Mom, I am going to invite my girlfriend who does not know that I am a werewolf, so please do not tell her. And another thing, please don't come in at night we are going to be busy".

I could not do that; she would have die in a second. She probably knew I was not a virgin, but I am sure that she wouldn't have liked to confirm that idea. And I couldn't leave my house on a night that was not the night of the full moon, and in that night I couldn't go to see Brigitte. So, we were satisfied to see each other in Diagon Alley, and with going out to eat something, or taking a walk, but nothing else.

Our seventh and last year in Hogwarts begun; you can imagine how were we like after two months of abstinence. Peter said that we were perverts, but that was because his parents travel a lot and he could do what he wanted all the time, to bad that the miserly of Peter didn't want to lend his house for those things.

Well, the new scholastic year had begun and I decided that although I could loose her forever I had to tell her that I was a werewolf. She had begun to speak about moving in together when we left Hogwarts, I wanted the same thing but she had to know my secret and then decide if she still wanted the same.

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

I went to her table at lunch time that day, and while I gave her a kiss on the cheek, whispered that I wanted to see her at dinner in the astronomy tower, she kissed me in the cheek too and said that she would see me there. Soon I returned to my table where my friends waited for me and went with them to the library.

- Did you really thought this through? – Said Peter when we were alone in the hallway, almost everybody was having lunch at the moment.

- Yes, I though about it a lot – I said with I sigh.

- Are you sure is the best thing? – Asked Peter – I mean, she could not understand, she could get scared and leave you, or worse she could even tell somebody about it.

- If that happens it will be because our relationship was not meant to be. She has the right to know the risk she will run living with someone like me.

- Moony is right, she has right to know – said James.

- I hope that everything comes out well – said Sirius putting a hand over my shoulder as a sign of support.

I didn't want dinner time to arrive, but like whenever one doesn't want for something to arrive, the hours went by as if they were been minutes and I soon saw myself in the astronomy tower, waiting for Brigitte to come in by the door. As in fact happened after a few minutes.

- Well, what do you want to talk about? – She said approaching as if she thought that it had been an excuse to see each other alone.

I gave her a kiss and soon separated myself from her.

- Sit please, I have something very important that I want to tell you.

- What happened Remus? You don't want to break up with me, don't you? – She said laughing of my seriousness.

- Of course I don't want that, but there is something that I didn't told you yet, and that you must know before you plan any type of future with me.

I put the same barrier against sound that we used when were together.

- Nobody must know it – I explained – in fact, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I trust that you won't tell anybody.

- What is it, Remus? – She said, beginning to get scared of my seriousness.

- Brigitte – I breathed deeply to give me courage and I said quickly – I'm a werewolf.

She didn't said anything for several minutes, I guess that she preferred not to talk until she was able to think calmly over the things I just told her, and then she looked me in the eyes. My own eyes were probably showing all my fear for her reaction, because she smiled, trying to calm me.

- I love you and I want to spend all my life with you – said Brigitte, putting her arms around my neck, and kissing me after she finished talking.

- You are not scared, then?

- Of course I'm not, I have been your girlfriend for more than ten months and you have not hurt me at all, there is not reason for you to hurt me now. It's that the reason for your constant disappearances?

- Yes.

- Somebody else knows it?

- Yes; James, Sirius, Peter, Dumbledore and Mrs. Pomfrey.

- Well, my little wolf, lets go to dinner or we will remain hungry. Later we will come back to howl a little to the moon – she said to me with a sensual voice.

She cleared the barrier against sound that I had put in the room earlier, held my hand and took me downstairs, to the dining room.

At that moment, she didn't ask me how it happened, she just let me know that it didn't matter to her what I was, that she loved just the same.

Since that moment, in privet she call me her little wolf, of course that she ruined that name for everyone else. I never let my mother called me in that way again, it seemed very sick to me. And when Sirius, that in time to time call me in that way too, do it again, I exploded in an outbursts of laughter. When I explained to him why, he didn't use that nickname again and I must again say that I am happy for that.

The last year in Hogwarts was great in our relationship; we were closer than ever, and we didn't have any doubt about our future. But in the last days of school, Dumbledore and I had a conversation, he said that I was one of the best students in defence against the dark arts and "recommend" to me a place where I could train and perfect my abilities for the future. He said that I was auror material and that I had to make good use of my abilities, but he didn't say anything else, he didn't demand anything from me, and I said that I would think about the special training.

Brigitte's parents had return to France in the middle of November, for that reason she had stay in Hogwarts for the Christmas vacation, and I had stayed with her, but when classes were over Briggitte's father had wait for her at King Cross. They will travel together to France. She couldn't do anything, she asked me to wait for her, that it would be for a couple of months only, and I told her that I would wait for her. But she begun to study to be a nurse there, and I didn't see her until the beginning of the next summer vacations.

In that encounter she told me that she couldn't leave her parents, that she couldn't afford to pay for her studies by herself, and that if she move out of the house; they wouldn't pay for anything. She said that we should take a break in our relationship, that long-distance relationships didn't work.

In that moment I was studying too, I took Dumbledore's recommendation when she did not return at the end of the past summer vacations. I told her that she shouldn't worry about that, that she was right, that long-distance relationships didn't work, that I would be fine, and that she should look for me if she come back someday. She kissed me and took of, she was travelling that same night. That was it, I didn't hear from her for more than a year.

I finished my studies, from which I have take a few days off to go see her, and then I went back to civilian life. I bought a small apartment with the help of my parents and I started working in my father's business. That's kind a lame, I know that, but what could I do, it was the most easy job to get for me, it pay well, and the boss already knew my condition of werewolf. For a few months that was my life, I went to work and then I went home. Well, I saw my friends too, but no dates.

They insisted, Lily included (she moved in with James and they were planing to get married in a few months) that I should start dating other girls, but I always refused to do it.

That was until an especially depressing Saturday. I decided that I had already wailed enough and that it was time to start dating other girls, I fire-called my friends and we went out to dance. I danced with many beautiful girls, and many attractive girls flirt with me, but I didn't feel like asking out any of those girls. And then I saw a beautiful girl of brown hair, standing next to the dance flour. I could not see her face because she was backwards, but I felt the need to ask her to dance. I was getting close when another guy approach her and she went to dance with him, and then I knew she was Brigitte, my Brigitte.

I went to where she was dancing and stood in a place where she could see me, I didn't say anything, I just stood where she could see me. Suddenly she raised her amazing blue eyes to me; she put aside the guy that she was dancing with, and threw herself into my arms.

It was amazing to see her again and to know that she had come back to England a few months ago; she had look for me but couldn't find a way to contact me; finally she rented an apartment an give up. Her friends had being insisting that she should start dating other guys, but she refuse until that day. Just like me, she had had an especially depressing day and decided to go out and meet other guys.

She said it was destiny, and maybe it was, I don't know. We didn't say goodbye to neither her friends nor mine; and disappear from the nightclub that was a place only for wizards, direct to my house.

We dated for a little more than a month, but like she spend more time in my apartment that in hers, we decided to safe some money, and Brigitte, to the scandal of her parents and my own, moved in with me permanently.

We were very happy for like a year and a half. She was starting to talk about marriage and children, and that didn't bother me; I was even considering very seriously the idea when Dumbledore contact me. He told me about the Order of the phoenix that was preparing to fight against Voldemort, you know who he is, the one that most not be name, the dark lord and all those stupid names invented by the cowards.

I had to accept, in that moment Voldemort was getting more and more strong and I knew that if he gathered more forces that he already had, nobody would be safe. I said yes, it was very difficult for me, but said yes, I knew that this time I could not, or to be more exact I should not tell her anything. She would stay with me, she would be brave as she always is, but this time her courage could cost her her life. Voldemort don't forgive the people that oppose him or the people relate to those, and from that moment I would be one of the people who oppose him, and she couldn't stay with me, I would not allowed it.

I pushed her away from me; it was very hard to do it. Her parents now believe that I am the worse man ever, maybe she thinks the same thing, that kills me a little bit every time I think about it, but I am happy to know that she is in France. She moved there when we break up; she is safer there with her parents, away from me and away from Voldemort.

When I decided to join the Order, I found out that my friends were thinking of joining too. I'll probably die at the hands of a Deatheater, maybe that is the destiny of all of us, but we'll fight just the same. I must help Dumbledore, he is the only one that could defeat Voldemort and I want to help in any possible way.

If I live, maybe I could see her again, explain her everything, and maybe even get her to forgive me. I don't know it's possible. If I survive all of this, we could even get married, who knows?

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

**The end**

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

Author's Note: Well, I hope you like it, leave some reviews with your opinion. Well, kisses to all.


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